Talaga nga naman. Emo. Hahah.
I wonder where the enthusiasm has gone.. .
No!!.. Iya!.. Yamette.. I'm not allowing it. I can't.
The cold is enfolding me. The wispy hollow evolving, again.. No. No. No.
. . .
As I was saying.. . it’s like seeing things for the first time, or perhaps another view? Love has done it. Beautiful. Interesting. Worthwhile. Hmmh.. but then it creeps in, making me all emo and out of sorts. Stupid, I know. It’s such a pain, that I can’t get over this. I mean, well, I’m getting a hang of it bit by bit. Not exactly getting over, because it really isn’t going anywhere. I mean.. waahh.. I guess I’m just being sensitive. It does hurt to hear that.. . Last Sunday, I was talking with a friend. I’m inconsistent, I admitted. Then he said, Ganun paden problema mo.. kawawa ka naman. Yeah, I know it’s pathetic. Waahh.. . NOOO SELF-PITY!.. Dun dun dun.. . I retaliated immediately, I said, it’s not really the same thing.. different things. . making me iconsistent. Hahah.. Defensive much?.. Pathetic. He knows and I know. It’s true. Yeah, yeah.. . I’m growing, right. Or am I just convincing myself that I am? BUT.. the same thing is bothering me.. . for what now?.. Over a year. The same thing.. just different words for it, different intensity, different management, but it’s all the same.
Waahh.. . why? SOMBER. I don’t want to be in the Gloom. Sad.
Shoot me.
Everytime.. . every time.. there’s something new and wonderful from God. It hits me. My Great Sadness. My Big Void. My Hollow Space. I want to rid myself of it. But a part of me also wants to keep it. Wonder.. . I guess, I’m afraid to also lose it because maybe if I did.. I might. I might forget.. . to ask more from God. I do want to be thirsty. I do. But I don’t know.. . is this healthy? Is this right?
I want to want God. Does that make sense?..
I don’t know. I really don’t.. . but I’m taking heart. I won’t let this bring me down.. . Thank Jesus. That night.. . the night before He was crucified.. is such a big inspiration to me. When He cried out to the Father, …yet not My will, but Yours be done. Jesus experienced, the quietness of God… It was not fair. It was not right. But it was Love. The Cross is Love. He turned His back on His Son, for our sake. He let that all happen. He could have done something, but He let it pass. He’s the Almighty, but for Love He did all that. Love is foolish. That’s why we all love to LOVE.. . because we can never explain it. We can’t fully grasp it. It seems crazy. But to give yourself fully to someone is Love and that’s what He did.
Now, God is not quiet. He talks.. . but then again, my heart is still longing BIG TIME for more. MORE OF HIM. More.. . that’s what my hollow space wants. Nothing else can fill it. Nothing. Only Him. So, I shall wait then. Patiently.. . To live is Christ and to die is gain. :] But don’t you wish our earthly bodies can contain the whole of Him?.. We’d die in front of all that Glory. But then again wouldn’t it be nice?.. Hmmh.. . Sweet hope. I long to give You more, too.. .
Till then Oh Lord, can’t wait for Your sweet embrace.
Still, in love. <3
..with GOD.
. . .
Hmmhh.. . sweet release. *u*
Hopeful.
