A Plead.

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I’m afraid, I’m losing myself the wrong way. Kind sir, could you send me to Rehab? ._. See. I’m pleading.. and yeah~ breaking. Gradually. I can’t even grasp the reality of the Before part anymore, the Before part when one still had principles and what do you call that thing one has to be careful of? Ahh.. Integrity. To my eyes, now.. I have always been a Failure. But there’s this distant Hope always hovering near. Yeah, I know the Irony.. but who really cares? Life is an irony and mine has been long enough. I’ll be anticipating the Revival or maybe  it should be called Transformation?

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I know people are tired of giving me this considerations. I know people are tired of hearing me say that I’m breaking. But I am. I cannot pretend to be anything more, for my heart is breaking. I am not a hypocrite. I am disappointed. I am disappointed of disappointing Him. I know it has been long enough. I know. It’s almost 2010. Ding Dong! And I’m almost 20. Clock is ticking. And it’s stressing me. I don’t know when my heart will stop grieving, for time loss, trust loss.. I am still grieving over my failures and disappointment. Grieving for myself because it feels like I’m living dead.

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Will there ever be a clean slate? You only start once.

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There must be more than this..

oh am giddy.

Oh we’re so official. :)

Hahah. I’m just happy. Koishiteru!

Before September Ends. :)

Been pretty busy these past weeks. School and all that. And fixing messed-up things.

The gloom is hovering over me these past days. And I’m kinda giving in to it, hence, the oversleeping. Not healthy. I know. But I just feel sad. I miss reading. And I think my period is coming up, so there.. . hahah.

Well, honestly.. . I’m just sad about school. I missed a day again. I was just beginning to be happy about it the last few weeks. I was rather satisfied because I’m seeing favor. He’s really blessing the work of my hands!

Hmmh.. . I guess it’s a bit pointless to feel sad. It’s just a little shake. The rest is all good.

But then again.. .

Hahah. Kidding. Sometimes, it just feels right to be sad. Hahah. I don’t know what I’m saying.. I mean, every time I do feel happy there’s this little nudge that says I’m not supposed to be. I know I shouldn’t believe such a thing. I don’t know. Feels like something’s missing. (Well, in reality I will never really feel happy and at bliss here.. just a few occasional tastes of it. Anyhow, as long as I have Him in me, everything’s fine, wonderful even. Just a punch of realization. Just a spank of faith )

Well, I am kinda at peace. I’m happy with my relationship:). Pretty much on the right route. I know I’m on the road, the right road. Plus, I know I’m finally okay. I mean, technically yes still not that okay but okay in a sense that I’m hopeful. And I’m not saying it to convince anyone more so I’m not saying it to convince myself. Not anymore. I’m just right with God. So there you go. :)

Just sad sometimes.. . but I think it’s just the hormones though.. It’s almost that time of the month again. Hahah. Oh the demands of a woman. xD

Home.

Finally home. :) Literally and not. Hahah.

After much pondering. After my get away. I came to this. Ha ha!

Silly. It seems so to me. I mean all this is happening. Practically everything is falling apart and I’m drunk with Joy. Shoot! Hahah. I love it!

Love Him.. .

Amidst the chaos. Amidst all theseeeeeee. Hahah. I’ve found it! Finally found it! Found what I’ve been looking for all this time. Well, I think it is. Hmmh.. . well, I feel it is rather. Hahah! Well. Well. Well! I’m well. In Him. :)

I’ve found the joy in trusting Him with everything. I found my first Love. I’ve fallen again. I’m in love! I’m overwhelmed? Maybe. Well. Whatever. I’m just happy. Ironic as it is. Happy. Though in pain. In suffering.

I knew this is where I’ll find it. Find Him. Find myself in Him. Find whatever it was I’ve been looking for to begin with.

Oh Love. :)

Excuse the incoherency. Hahah. xD I’m free! Finally free!

Finally where I should be. Finally.

Waves of doubt tumble on me. Fear trying to creep in. Sorry but my trust is full-proof. I feel like something has been completed today. Ugh! God!

Level up.

Closer to You~ <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.

No more senseless hiding. I’m ready to dance in the rain! To leap! To weep! To embrace! I’m finally ready. I know I am. I just know.

With that encompassing peace. I trust in You. I shall do so even when.. . when.. I can’t think of anything. Even when it seems I can’t. I shall trust You. Always and again. Always and again. Always and again! :)

Wee!! :)

I praise You in the storm! You are who You are! Oh yeah!

today.

I have chosen not to blog for a while but recent occurrences has pushed me to resort to writing again. And now here I go.

And yeah.. . nothing’s coming now. It’s like only a while ago I’m flooded with words. It even seemed beautiful despite the horrible situation which has caused this effect, like someone dropping something inside a basin full of water. A sort of overflow takes place. Then it stops. Just stops.

I was reading a book, trying my best to keep my mind off everything I’ve been refusing to confront all these time. Then it happened. I witnessed it. And I just sat there speechless. Motionless. Paralyzed. Unable. Nothing. . nothing from me. Pathetic as always. And really what could I offer the situation? If I have spoken would it make a difference? I think, not. Prayer is all I could give the situation, I guess.

So what now? I don’t know.. I honestly don’t. I just know that this is beyond my power. But I also know that God is Sovereign.

I see the beauty of it though its horridness. I just know in my heart that God is plotting something for me, for the better of me, of us. But I don’t know.. As of now, I don’t know anything but that. And I’m just putting my hope in that, in Him.

Though my spirit’s still broken, really I know no other thing I can do but to trust Him, just as He asks. I trust Him. Though part of me honestly.. . still feels betrayed. Yes, I know. I know who God is. I know.. He’s wonderful. I know. I can’t help but feel this way.. ok? I don’t want to. It’s just that I want Him and all that. I know He’s just building my faith but I really can’t help it, I feel like He’s withholding..

So I wait. Wait. I shall wait. Wait. Wait. And it just tears me apart to just say the word. I’ve been longing for Him for so long..

I just want Him. Is that too much? Now my spirit’s crushed my heart’s broken.. You’re closed by right? Let me feel You. Please. Let me feel You. You.. .

I cry out to You God with these things You have laid before me.. I care about them immensely. I don’t want them fighting but I trust You in that. I know You’re in control. And still, I come back to this.. with me wanting You. Just in deep want.

Am I not desperate enough?

Yes, I know about Jesus. He experienced this too, even greater in fact, because You were closer. But then.. I just can’t help it, okay? I’m sorry.. I just want You that’s all.  Oh God. Jesus, share this with me. I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I’m sorry I’m being foolish and selfish about it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Sorry. Sorry I’ve been a pain. A lot of pain. I’ve cause You that too God. I know. I’m sorry. I love You too. I do. :( I do. I’m sorry. I’ve hurt You, haven’t I? And I turn away with pride.. . because I felt betrayed. But the fault is mine. I didn’t trust You enough. I know You won’t break a single promise. Then there’s me.. breaking a ton.

I’m sorry. ><

Again I say, “Can I come in? I don’t deserve it, but is there room in Your kingdom for one more?” I am redeemed and He’s been preparing me for this. Head on!

I am His. And no one can ever take that away from me. His Love will always cover me. And it would always be enough, though sometimes I don’t feel so. I know it always will.

I say no to fear and yes to God.

Yes. God. I’m totally Yours.

You Are My Sunshine :)

I remember my father singing this to me when I was young. It’s a very sweet memory, it still warms me every time I remember.. .<3

You Are My Sunshine

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are grey.
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping,
I dreamt I held you in my arms.
When I awoke dear, I was mistaken,
So I hung my head down and cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are grey.
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

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tired.

Hate is destructive.. .

For a while.. just let me write amidst this.

Why do I feel tired of everything.. I’m tired of putting up with everything, trying trying trying.. always trying.. For once, can I think for myself? To be selfish or something? To give in?.. I already have, haven’t I? *sigh* I’m just so tired, tired of people.. so to speak. Tired of trying to please them, to make them happy.. I don’t expect anything. I’m just tired. Tired of it. Just selfish and immature about things. Rebellious even.. :( I don’t want to be this way.. to be in this place. To be so utterly irritating. Selfish. Acting like she hasn’t been granted Grace. Immature. Handling things, unwisely. I’m just tired okay.. . just tired. Tired. Tired. Tired.

And the scary thing about it.. I don’t even feel sorry.. Like, I just want my way so piss off. It scares me.

Haay.. . I’m looking on the wrong places again. Frustration. It comes.

I’m out of it again.. Focus please.. . .

JUNE.

Sorry for the long absence.. .

I was thinking about what I should write.. now they’re all spilling together in my head. A lot has happened this month, and where should I begin? Hmmh.. To put it plainly, June has been bitter-sweet with sad endings and wonderful beginnings. It has led me to realize that every thing I once held with pride, now lie in ruins. The aspects in my life I was so sure of has fallen. The securities I was holding on to has capsized. But oh well.. . I am thankful. All things work together for the good~ He’s doing something. Of course, there something we call “rebuilding the ruins” too. There is hope. Like Nebuchadnezzar, conceit has crept through me, my God won’t allow that, will He? The proud, He is able to humble. Thankfully.. .

June has been a delight. The unnecessaries have been stripped off, sad.. heart-wrenching. But.. there is PEACE in it. The road of righteousness is not facile, but it is worth it. Well worth it.

And I’m happy too. I’m always ecstatic with what we do at school. I have 6 majors this semester and I am so loving it! This is my heart. Hahah.. and I am so thankful that God has led me here. Tiring, but I’m appreciating it much! Actually, I am appreciating a lot of things more.. my family.. friends.. gifts.. and even my responsibilities. I’m honored to have them. Such joy to me, truly they are.

But then, I have something I just realized this morning. Something I have failed to guard myself from. I guess.. I have allowed it in a sense.. casue I was simply tired of it. Kapal ng muka ko. Now, I am a very lenient person. I always try to understand, try not to be objective, try not to put my own concerns first before other’s, you get the idea. But there’s this one person, the nerve of him! He hasn’t violated me directly.. didn’t do anything offensive to me personally, at least not on purpose. He’s been hurting people. I hate it. And now, I think I hate him too. Such shallow mindedness.. for his age! Ugh~ It just pisses me off. He can’t seem to comprehend.. to understand, he who claims to love with greatness. Such irony, oh please! You‘re so drenched in conceit. Narcissist. Please see that.. you‘re not good for the ones you love. Plus, the assumptions, you’ll always get that from him. The thing I hate the most coming from the person I.. I love. Yes, I love him and I hate him. Never have I desired to lash out at someone.. but I so want to with him. Hahah.. shoot me. It’s taking the better of me and I hate it because it’s making me as bad as him. Worse. Oh God, help… I’m talking in pride. I’m nothing.. He who has been forgiven little loves little. Waaaaahhhhh~ Where are my principles? God, help me see him through Your eyes. But waahhh~ I really am bitter. Full of disgust, because he should know better. Argh.. I should know better. I guess it ain’t wise to speak under the circumstances.. so I better stop and confront. Not good with it.. but I should, right?

Oh.. so help me God. I can feel my words sharp and piercing. Give me much grace so I could do the same. Hmmh.. . Oh.. I know Your grace is already upon me.. help me be sensitive to Your Spirit so I could be wise with my choices. Not just under this scenario.. but in everything.. every time.

Humble me, once more. I am wretched.

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[edit] Hahah.. .
Your Word, Your Time.
The title of my devotion -- Forgiveness frees the Soul.
Now, that speaks for itself doesn't it? :) [/edit]

:)

Why is happiness harder to express in words.. than sadness? Hmmh..

I’ve been going on and on about Love these past days. And today, am again overcame by Love~ God’s Love. It’s unfading.. .

Hmmh.. . just speechless.

I’m happy with how everything is going. ^^ Hopeful. :)

Cheers to the 7:47 Principle!

Glory to God.

I’m in motion.. . and it’s not a descend.

Grace to you~