tired.

Hate is destructive.. .

For a while.. just let me write amidst this.

Why do I feel tired of everything.. I’m tired of putting up with everything, trying trying trying.. always trying.. For once, can I think for myself? To be selfish or something? To give in?.. I already have, haven’t I? *sigh* I’m just so tired, tired of people.. so to speak. Tired of trying to please them, to make them happy.. I don’t expect anything. I’m just tired. Tired of it. Just selfish and immature about things. Rebellious even.. :( I don’t want to be this way.. to be in this place. To be so utterly irritating. Selfish. Acting like she hasn’t been granted Grace. Immature. Handling things, unwisely. I’m just tired okay.. . just tired. Tired. Tired. Tired.

And the scary thing about it.. I don’t even feel sorry.. Like, I just want my way so piss off. It scares me.

Haay.. . I’m looking on the wrong places again. Frustration. It comes.

I’m out of it again.. Focus please.. . .

JUNE.

Sorry for the long absence.. .

I was thinking about what I should write.. now they’re all spilling together in my head. A lot has happened this month, and where should I begin? Hmmh.. To put it plainly, June has been bitter-sweet with sad endings and wonderful beginnings. It has led me to realize that every thing I once held with pride, now lie in ruins. The aspects in my life I was so sure of has fallen. The securities I was holding on to has capsized. But oh well.. . I am thankful. All things work together for the good~ He’s doing something. Of course, there something we call “rebuilding the ruins” too. There is hope. Like Nebuchadnezzar, conceit has crept through me, my God won’t allow that, will He? The proud, He is able to humble. Thankfully.. .

June has been a delight. The unnecessaries have been stripped off, sad.. heart-wrenching. But.. there is PEACE in it. The road of righteousness is not facile, but it is worth it. Well worth it.

And I’m happy too. I’m always ecstatic with what we do at school. I have 6 majors this semester and I am so loving it! This is my heart. Hahah.. and I am so thankful that God has led me here. Tiring, but I’m appreciating it much! Actually, I am appreciating a lot of things more.. my family.. friends.. gifts.. and even my responsibilities. I’m honored to have them. Such joy to me, truly they are.

But then, I have something I just realized this morning. Something I have failed to guard myself from. I guess.. I have allowed it in a sense.. casue I was simply tired of it. Kapal ng muka ko. Now, I am a very lenient person. I always try to understand, try not to be objective, try not to put my own concerns first before other’s, you get the idea. But there’s this one person, the nerve of him! He hasn’t violated me directly.. didn’t do anything offensive to me personally, at least not on purpose. He’s been hurting people. I hate it. And now, I think I hate him too. Such shallow mindedness.. for his age! Ugh~ It just pisses me off. He can’t seem to comprehend.. to understand, he who claims to love with greatness. Such irony, oh please! You‘re so drenched in conceit. Narcissist. Please see that.. you‘re not good for the ones you love. Plus, the assumptions, you’ll always get that from him. The thing I hate the most coming from the person I.. I love. Yes, I love him and I hate him. Never have I desired to lash out at someone.. but I so want to with him. Hahah.. shoot me. It’s taking the better of me and I hate it because it’s making me as bad as him. Worse. Oh God, help… I’m talking in pride. I’m nothing.. He who has been forgiven little loves little. Waaaaahhhhh~ Where are my principles? God, help me see him through Your eyes. But waahhh~ I really am bitter. Full of disgust, because he should know better. Argh.. I should know better. I guess it ain’t wise to speak under the circumstances.. so I better stop and confront. Not good with it.. but I should, right?

Oh.. so help me God. I can feel my words sharp and piercing. Give me much grace so I could do the same. Hmmh.. . Oh.. I know Your grace is already upon me.. help me be sensitive to Your Spirit so I could be wise with my choices. Not just under this scenario.. but in everything.. every time.

Humble me, once more. I am wretched.

—

[edit] Hahah.. .
Your Word, Your Time.
The title of my devotion -- Forgiveness frees the Soul.
Now, that speaks for itself doesn't it? :) [/edit]

:)

Why is happiness harder to express in words.. than sadness? Hmmh..

I’ve been going on and on about Love these past days. And today, am again overcame by Love~ God’s Love. It’s unfading.. .

Hmmh.. . just speechless.

I’m happy with how everything is going. ^^ Hopeful. :)

Cheers to the 7:47 Principle!

Glory to God.

I’m in motion.. . and it’s not a descend.

Grace to you~

Wish. Swish~

First off.. .

Books:

• written by Max Lucado

1. When God Whispers Your Name
2. Just Like Jesus
3. The Applause of Heaven
4. Come Thirsty
5. He Chose You
6. *actually any of his books, I’ll love.

• written by John and Stasi Eldredge

1. Captivating

• written by John Maxwell

1. The 360° Leader
2. Failing Forward

• written by Philip Yancey
  

1. What’s So Amazing About Grace?
   
2. The Jesus I Never Knew
   

• written by Frank E. Peretti

1. This Present Darkness / Piercing the Darkness
2. The Oath
3. House (written w/Ted Dekker)
   

• written by Kelley Armstrong

1. The Awakening

• written by Melissa Marr

1. Wicked Lovely
2. Ink Exchange
3. Fragile Eternity

• written by Alyson Noël

1. Blue Moon

• written by Stephenie Meyer

1. New Moon
2. Midnight Sun (Please publish it Ms. Meyer!)

• written by Jostein Gaarder

1. (any actually… fun reads!)

• written by Neil Gaiman

1. M is for Magic

• written by Kathe Koja

1. Blue Mirror

• written by Paulo Coelho

1. 11 Minutes
2. (any book by him~ :)

• Some classics~

1. Little Women
2. *Recommend some, won’t you? :]
   

will just add to the list when I remember more.. . (hihih)
.

Other things:

1. Acrylic Paint
2. Sculpey<3
3. Tripod
4. More brushes~ wee.. .
   
5. Non-water soluble colored pens
6. Earrings (hoho Love earrings)
7. A pair of brown shoes
8. Baking Stuff~ heheh..

will just add to the list when I remember more.. . (hihih)
.

To Do/Learn:

1. Bake
2. Have a photoshoot
3. Adobe Illustrator
4. Coloring in Photoshop
5. Vectoring!
6. Flash
7. Submit Deviations
8. Make earrings and other accessories
9. Practice sculpting, painting and drawing
10. Improve my craft
11. Take my knack knacks out<3
12. Have many many dates~
13. Read books~ (duh!)
14. Swim (heheh… .)
15. Spend time with my dearies..
16. Touch lives
17. Grow and grow.. . (in everything +)
    
18. Love more<3
    
19. Do and have everything in this list~ hih! 8)

.

Lots to do.. lots to accomplish! 8)
God bless me~ indeed!
And you too<3

It’s Official! 8D

Yeah~ sweet summer vacation is now within my grasp.. hahahah. Plus, it’s not exactly summer~ish.. heheh.. . with the frequent rain and all that. Hmmmh.. I’m happy! Though if you think about it, only a few more days and I would be worrying about my enrollment again, but hmmh.. I’d rather not think about that now. Oh bliss.. hahah..

.

How about some summer romance? Harhar~ So western.. . No way. ;p

I’m RESERVED. 8j hihih.. .

Sunday.

I remember telling myself, “I’ll write about this.” That was yesterday. Heh. :) So yeah, it was Sunday.. sweet splendid Sunday. <3 Lets run through it chronologically.. hmmh.. well, at least I’ll try.

>>EDIT + WARNING: Skip the first part.. or don't, and waste your time..
well, for all I know you're already wasting it pala~
andito ka eh (:<<

I woke up, a bit late than my usual waking up time during Sundays~ a little past 9, I think. And then, the usual morning rituals.. Devotion. Read about some research stuff I need for later. Take a bath. Eat. Brush my teeth. Plurk in between. Heheh. Float. Hmmh.. . This is not in order~ Heheh.. oh also, I edited something for Jec. Prepared for church. Was a bit late. Swept the floor. Led the devotion. Went to sit. Quieted myself. Listened. Threw comments. Heheh. Shut up. Shush people. Played. Listened again. Praised. Listen still. Received blessings. Became thankful. Be touched. Skipped. Had our discipleship. Yelled. Screamed. Shouted. Cried. Poured out. Released. Talked. Shared. Planned. Went down. Had some small talks. Gazed and admired. Rebuked myself. Listened. Praised. Shook hands. Shared some love. Hugged. Listened. Prayed. Said goodbyes. Ran home. Random. Sleep.

Hahah.. . antamad magkwento ehh.. Well, I just want to focus on a few things. Forgive me. Xj

. . .

First, the message. So yeah~ of course I received a few things yesterday. Not new, but leads to renewal. The Holy Spirit has been prompting me to pray. I mean, of course I pray. He’s prompting me to pray more, to bring back what has been. Now, this is not the first time. Well, actually I’ve been praying about my prayer life.. hmmh. How long? Since late last year.. not exactly everyday, but there is some amount of consistency in it. Anyhow, I thank God for yesterday.. I thank God because He knows what I need and want. I really have been missing out in my prayer life. Sad Truth. But I do know how important it is, that is precisely why I want things back to how it used to be, better yet.. I want more than what we had before. I’ve been praying and praying for it. And yesterday, I know with firm faith, God has sealed it. Thankful much. :)

But the day didn’t end there. In our discipleship I had the gentle release I long longed for. Hahah.. . well, gentle is an interesting word to describe it. We screamed. The first one, super bitin~ but because I was super anticipating it.. I could already feel an outburst about to happen. A crying spree could break out from me with a little more push, but I was dissapointed. I wanted to pour my guts out.. As I said, I’m longing for some release, an inhibited one. If you’ve been reading my posts.. you can probably guess I wanted one, if it’s not that obvious already *sarcastic*. But I didn’t have it. Not yet. I screamed. Nothing. I just felt the heaviness lift a bit, but it stayed.

It still didn’t end there though. We screamed again. And then there.. I burst. Finally. Although.. . I think.. I still want more. More.. .

Pop my bubble.

Filth and gaps~
I cast away.

I screamed what my heart has been shouting.. long since.

~I want You, God.

The cry of my heart.

More of You. More.. .

I tried to disperse everything else.. . the grief. the hate. everything.. .
then it was just.. that one desire, standing out. Hmmh..

Protected: TO DEAR YOU.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

it’s about time.. .

I’ve been planning to write an entry for quite a while now.. . I was hoping to write one for May 3, since that would be my blog’s anniversary.. Oh well.. . May 7 it is :], though it is a bit unwise for me to write in such a time like this.. Tests, hand work, love.. . heheh. Yes, Love. But I’m not writing about that.. . I just want to have a little recap of what happened the past days.. :]

So, the excursion~ I was forced into. Last 30th of April, I joined the Barangay excursion trip to Olanggapo. Really, I didn’t want to go.. . I had classes that day, and I was asked not to go to school. I even missed a quiz. Hmph! Heheh.. . anyway, let me proceed.. so I tried my best to enjoy the thing. I swam and had small talk with people I’m not comfortable with. I tried and I’m glad I went, I know I made my Mom happy by coming. Plus, I had special time with my Lord. In the middle of it, at about noon.. . when almost everyone is drunk and irrational.. . I went off. I roamed around the whole resort a couple of times. I told myself, I wanted bundok, now I have this glorious scenery before me.  So I made the most out of it. I breathed and took in everything I could until I was so overwhelmed by the wonder of it all. How beautiful~ His workmanship is. I can only adore and marvel what I have seen.. utter some praises and become speechless. It was an honor to be in the middle of it all, mostly.. . I’m honored because I know in my heart~ these we’re all created for Love, His Love. Everything that has been before me is personally designed by God for my liking, for my happiness, for me, for our Love. I am so Loved, loved by the greatest Person that could ever love me. Such a joy.. . such a privilege. That would always be enough.. . His Love will always be enough. I love Him dearly too.. Love Him. Love Him. And I want to love Hime more.

Tears. Sweet tears. Overflow of joy. LOVE.

Everything has been wonderful. :] And I’m moving on, moving forward, in constant progression, because of His grace that enables. May I be kept humble. ~No compromising here dearie. :]

Summer class is almost over.. and I’m ecstatic about it. Lots of books to be read, all waiting for the sweetness of my gaze and the pondering of my mind. Hahah.. . or is it the other way around? Enthusiastic!.. :) I want more books, books authored by Max Lucado and Paulo Coelho.. and some more Christian novels, the genre I want to venture in.. because that’s where my novel will be categorized in. Hihih~

Talaga nga naman. Emo. Hahah.

I wonder where the enthusiasm has gone.. .
No!!.. Iya!.. Yamette.. I'm not allowing it. I can't.
The cold is enfolding me. The wispy hollow evolving, again.. No. No. No.
. . .

As I was saying.. . it’s like seeing things for the first time, or perhaps another view? Love has done it. Beautiful. Interesting. Worthwhile. Hmmh.. but then it creeps in, making me all emo and out of sorts. Stupid, I know. It’s such a pain, that I can’t get over this. I mean, well, I’m getting a hang of it bit by bit. Not exactly getting over, because it really isn’t going anywhere. I mean.. waahh.. I guess I’m just being sensitive. It does hurt to hear that.. . Last Sunday, I was talking with a friend. I’m inconsistent, I admitted. Then he said, Ganun paden problema mo.. kawawa ka naman. Yeah, I know it’s pathetic. Waahh.. . NOOO SELF-PITY!.. Dun dun dun.. . I retaliated immediately, I said, it’s not really the same thing.. different things. . making me iconsistent. Hahah.. Defensive much?.. Pathetic. He knows and I know. It’s true. Yeah, yeah.. . I’m growing, right. Or am I just convincing myself that I am? BUT.. the same thing is bothering me.. . for what now?.. Over a year. The same thing.. just different words for it, different intensity, different management, but it’s all the same.

Waahh.. . why? SOMBER. I don’t want to be in the Gloom. Sad.

Shoot me.

Everytime.. . every time.. there’s something new and wonderful from God. It hits me. My Great Sadness. My Big Void. My Hollow Space. I want to rid myself of it. But a part of me also wants to keep it. Wonder.. . I guess, I’m afraid to also lose it because maybe if I did.. I might. I might forget.. . to ask more from God. I do want to be thirsty. I do. But I don’t know.. . is this healthy? Is this right?

I want to want God. Does that make sense?..

I don’t know. I really don’t.. . but I’m taking heart. I won’t let this bring me down.. . Thank Jesus. That night.. . the night before He was crucified.. is such a big inspiration to me. When He cried out to the Father, …yet not My will, but Yours be done. Jesus experienced, the quietness of God… It was not fair. It was not right. But it was Love. The Cross is Love. He turned His back on His Son, for our sake. He let that all happen. He could have done something, but He let it pass. He’s the Almighty, but for Love He did all that. Love is foolish. That’s why we all love to LOVE.. . because we can never explain it. We can’t fully grasp it. It seems crazy. But to give yourself fully to someone is Love and that’s what He did.

Now, God is not quiet. He talks.. . but then again, my heart is still longing BIG TIME for more. MORE OF HIM. More.. . that’s what my hollow space wants. Nothing else can fill it. Nothing. Only Him. So, I shall wait then. Patiently.. . To live is Christ and to die is gain. :] But don’t you wish our earthly bodies can contain the whole of Him?.. We’d die in front of all that Glory. But then again wouldn’t it be nice?.. Hmmh.. . Sweet hope. I long to give You more, too.. .

Till then Oh Lord, can’t wait for Your sweet embrace.

Still, in love. <3

..with GOD.

. . .

Hmmhh.. . sweet release. *u*
Hopeful.

Love strengthens.

RAIN: through the eyes of a DI.

I have began writing my book. Hahah.. It’s raining<3 …my sweet rain. I really love the rain, that’s why my book has a rain factor. LOL. XD

. . .

Haayy.. . that little hollow space is turning inside out again.. . it’s enveloping me. I still need release. Watching the rain behind a window makes me feel detained. I want to be out there in the rain, with nature. I want to be part of it. Covered by it. To be one with the elements. I really want to escape from reality even for just a while. Yeah, I don’t have a problem (at least not a big tangible one)  but the world is pressing against me. Oh, eternity.. . I belong to thee. To the heavenly realms, where Jesus is preparing a place for me.. that’s where I want to be. To be with Him. To have more of Him. To fully belong to Him, without the strongholds of my earthly flesh. That’s what I want.. . but for the meantime, since I’m bound to my feet I want to at least, withdraw to a place.. like Jesus did. A mountain, just someplace with trees. Somewhere I can be isolated and be in the quiet. I want to be one with the stillness, to breathe the fresh air, to see the beauty of His creations and admire every bit of it. The creations reveal the majesty of the Creator and I sense His presence will better be felt when you’re surrounded by His glorious workmanship. I want to see the uncorrupted work of His Hands… To be free and be one with the beauty, +all the while communing with Him..

In utter worship.. . . to the King.

Detained, maybe.. . but the rain has been His grace. I am so drawn to it. There’s something romantic about it, something magical.. . I really don’t know how to explain it, but like LOVE, my heart knows it well.

. . .
When it rains there are millions of invisible lines
drawn from the skies to the earth,
made by the fast droplets of water..
interlacing you with nature.
Covered with the tears of the sky.. .
embraced by the cold gentle breeze,
filled with air so sweet..
even if you're perceiving all that with your body,
you can't help but feel that you are one with the elements,
free from the bounds of your body. Free.. . pure.. One with Him.

. . .

Previous post about RAIN: RAINY

PS.

^14-16When outsiders who have never heard of God’s law follow it more or less by instinct, they confirm its truth by their obedience. They show that God’s law is not something alien, imposed on us from without, but woven into the very fabric of our creation. There is something deep within them that echoes God’s yes and no, right and wrong. Their response to God’s yes and no will become public knowledge on the day God makes his final decision about every man and woman. The Message from God that I proclaim through Jesus Christ takes into account all these differences.

Romans 2:14-16 (The Message)

. . .

WOOT! GOD’S SIGNATURE!! As artists have something they’re known for… so does God. His creations shout His glory!..